Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Oh god, summer school.

so, remember (not so very long ago) when I got hired to wait tables at the new ramen and dumpling place?  and then I had a mommy panic attack and quit before it even opened?  I'm not going to do that this time.   I don't think.

Yesterday MMSD called and asked me some questions about my experience implementing a balanced literacy program, and my classroom management strategies, and how I bring students' cultural and linguistic strengths into my lesson planning, and I guess I sounded halfway decent because then they offered me a job teaching 3-5 literacy for the summer school session.  Which I accepted, because I have a degree (an expensive, expensive degree) that I worked hard for and would like to someday use.  And because it seems like a reasonable step to take.  A baby step, if you will.  It is after all, only half days.  for only 6 weeks.

And yet, I was awake last night until about 12:30 in the morning.  Why?  Because I was too busy second guessing myself and mind fucking all my decisions to death to sleep, obviously.  There's a week before the session starts of all day training.  So, I started obsessively worrying about that first.  Will there be time to pump?  Will Althea be OK without me for 9 hours, 5 days in a row?  Will Walker be able to find enough time to study that week if I am gone all day or will it be fault if he fails the very important, very expensive test?  stupid fucking boards.  Once I had (temporarily I'm sure) finished compulsively examining the training week, I began to lose my mind about childcare.  Where will I find it?  How will I get the baby there?  Is it going to be a nightmare of logistics?  Will Althea adjust to being carted off somewhere different every day of the week?  How will I repay the people who end up taking her for me?  etc. etc.
 Now, you might think that is all that I could possibly freak out about, but you would be terribly mistaken.  Because now I have to worry about my ability to actually do this job.  Will I be a good teacher?  Do I need to write my own curriculum?  How many students will I have?  How far below grade level will their reading skills be?  This is a whole new arena of am I making a huge mistake.

I feel that I used to be much more certain.  About my life skills, and decision making.  I would decide to do a thing and then do it, with nary a sleepless night.  Now I constantly second guess myself, I guess because every decision I make now impacts not just me, but this other, very small, very precious person. It's hard.

Phew.  I feel a bit better, having wordspewed all over the screen.  In thanks to you for having read this mess, please examine my amazing offspring learn to crawl.

1 comment:

  1. Dropping in fom BBC. I like your blog so far, even (especially) the wordspewing all over the screen. I know all about my own late night second-guessing conversations. No fun. It'll get better (and maybe worse... I have a teen, too, and life is all about peaks and valleys with him).