so, remember (not so very long ago) when I got hired to wait tables at the new ramen and dumpling place? and then I had a mommy panic attack and quit before it even opened? I'm not going to do that this time. I don't think.
Yesterday MMSD called and asked me some questions about my experience implementing a balanced literacy program, and my classroom management strategies, and how I bring students' cultural and linguistic strengths into my lesson planning, and I guess I sounded halfway decent because then they offered me a job teaching 3-5 literacy for the summer school session. Which I accepted, because I have a degree (an expensive, expensive degree) that I worked hard for and would like to someday use. And because it seems like a reasonable step to take. A baby step, if you will. It is after all, only half days. for only 6 weeks.
And yet, I was awake last night until about 12:30 in the morning. Why? Because I was too busy second guessing myself and mind fucking all my decisions to death to sleep, obviously. There's a week before the session starts of all day training. So, I started obsessively worrying about that first. Will there be time to pump? Will Althea be OK without me for 9 hours, 5 days in a row? Will Walker be able to find enough time to study that week if I am gone all day or will it be fault if he fails the very important, very expensive test? stupid fucking boards. Once I had (temporarily I'm sure) finished compulsively examining the training week, I began to lose my mind about childcare. Where will I find it? How will I get the baby there? Is it going to be a nightmare of logistics? Will Althea adjust to being carted off somewhere different every day of the week? How will I repay the people who end up taking her for me? etc. etc.
Now, you might think that is all that I could possibly freak out about, but you would be terribly mistaken. Because now I have to worry about my ability to actually do this job. Will I be a good teacher? Do I need to write my own curriculum? How many students will I have? How far below grade level will their reading skills be? This is a whole new arena of am I making a huge mistake.
I feel that I used to be much more certain. About my life skills, and decision making. I would decide to do a thing and then do it, with nary a sleepless night. Now I constantly second guess myself, I guess because every decision I make now impacts not just me, but this other, very small, very precious person. It's hard.