You Ruined Everything lyrics

When I am out and about and I see big girls, I get all advance-nostalgy.  I think about how beautiful and smart and funny I think Althea is going to be as a 9,10,11 year old and I don't know, my nursing hormones kick into overdrive or something.  I was at a concert with Walker Saturday night and there was this just gorgeous little girl there, maybe 9 years old, all dressed up and sitting on her papa's shoulders through the whole show.  She was so grown up and proud to be a concert, you could tell.  Something about her just made me think of Althea getting big I guess.

*Note:  I do not think this when I see 15 year olds.  Not even a little bit.  

The show, BTW, was Jonathon Coulton, my current favorite funny guy musician.  He wrote a song about becoming a parent called "You Ruined Everything" which I love. (watch video please).  People have asked him what he would do when his kids heard this song.

At the show he said that recently his little girl had heard this song, and asked him "daddy, does ruined mean anything else?".  To which he replied, 

'nope.  just ruined.  like wrecked.'  but honestly, its too sweet.  it makes me weepy eyes.

motherhood is:

eating food that has already been in someone else's mouth.  AND not thinking twice about it, until one of your (childless) friends points out that it is, in fact, gross.

touching someone else's poop.  every day.

describing poop with food; i.e. "It was kind of like peanut butter".

realizing all you talk about is poop.

Oh god, summer school.

so, remember (not so very long ago) when I got hired to wait tables at the new ramen and dumpling place?  and then I had a mommy panic attack and quit before it even opened?  I'm not going to do that this time.   I don't think.

Yesterday MMSD called and asked me some questions about my experience implementing a balanced literacy program, and my classroom management strategies, and how I bring students' cultural and linguistic strengths into my lesson planning, and I guess I sounded halfway decent because then they offered me a job teaching 3-5 literacy for the summer school session.  Which I accepted, because I have a degree (an expensive, expensive degree) that I worked hard for and would like to someday use.  And because it seems like a reasonable step to take.  A baby step, if you will.  It is after all, only half days.  for only 6 weeks.

And yet, I was awake last night until about 12:30 in the morning.  Why?  Because I was too busy second guessing myself and mind fucking all my decisions to death to sleep, obviously.  There's a week before the session starts of all day training.  So, I started obsessively worrying about that first.  Will there be time to pump?  Will Althea be OK without me for 9 hours, 5 days in a row?  Will Walker be able to find enough time to study that week if I am gone all day or will it be fault if he fails the very important, very expensive test?  stupid fucking boards.  Once I had (temporarily I'm sure) finished compulsively examining the training week, I began to lose my mind about childcare.  Where will I find it?  How will I get the baby there?  Is it going to be a nightmare of logistics?  Will Althea adjust to being carted off somewhere different every day of the week?  How will I repay the people who end up taking her for me?  etc. etc.
 Now, you might think that is all that I could possibly freak out about, but you would be terribly mistaken.  Because now I have to worry about my ability to actually do this job.  Will I be a good teacher?  Do I need to write my own curriculum?  How many students will I have?  How far below grade level will their reading skills be?  This is a whole new arena of am I making a huge mistake.

I feel that I used to be much more certain.  About my life skills, and decision making.  I would decide to do a thing and then do it, with nary a sleepless night.  Now I constantly second guess myself, I guess because every decision I make now impacts not just me, but this other, very small, very precious person. It's hard.

Phew.  I feel a bit better, having wordspewed all over the screen.  In thanks to you for having read this mess, please examine my amazing offspring learn to crawl.

bizarre summer weather

It's April 10th.  In Wisconsin.  and it was 80 freaking degrees today.  I had to take a cold shower after my run.  Althea is very pleased with her new domain:  the great out of doors.  She got to sit in the grass, swing on a swing, and eat several sticks and possibly a bug.  I got to line dry the stink out of the diapers, and dig up approximately 1/3 of my new garden.

things i don't want to forget

1)  How you can see her smile from behind her bink or a mouthful of nipple
2) How her little legs go kick kick kick like a frog on meth when she gets excited
3) the hooting noise she makes when I start lifting up my shirt
4) How very pleased she is when she finally gets a new skill (today: standing, tomorrow: the WORLD)

5)The way even her laugh sounds fat.  A fat fat baby chortle.
6) Her big, wet, open mouth on your cheek mmmm-wah kisses.
7) all of it.  I want to remember all of it.  for ever.