over

mostly, i'm over Iliana not nursing anymore. I've theoretically come to terms with it. But tonight, I did my before bed pump and didn't get enough for morning bottle...so now i'm running even more short than before. And in that moment I just wished so bad that she would start nursing again. even though I don't really even offer anymore, just randomly if she seems interested. I miss nursing her. I don't want her to be done. It makes me sad, sad sad.  and so i fantasize sometimes, that she will start again, now, what, 7? 8? weeks later?  i dream that she nurses.  i feel like i got robbed of saying goodbye to nursing.  i don't even know, like it would have been easier if i had seen it coming?  or gotten a last chance or something.  and it makes me feel like i should start my vigorous trying again, the middle of the night dream feeds, the nipple shields, the whole 9 yards.  but it made me more sad, i think.  so maybe i won't.  i wish this was over.  why can't i let it be over?